Because Love Is Personal

What happens when my heart is obstinate as an arse? When missing you becomes judgmental

, They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. In your absence, I look at my phone morosely, Contemplating if I should or shouldn’t. Where do I begin to be a maverick?

After a drink or two, I mumble your name to strangers, I create a collage of your body parts in the midst of the crowd and the loud music, The parts that I declare inviolably and then, only then I decry my pride and scroll down my contacts and stop at your name… Doubts become judgmental and then I stop myself. I meander through my phone, End up on my documents and I read and read and read and read… For a moment I am placid. Reality intrudes, Loneliness becomes personal My heart sinks and then bitterness crawls out in a modicum of teardrops. I quickly hide my face take a few breathes in and out, Seconds later I show my face with a smile… “You have a beautiful smile, what are you smiling about?” I’m here thinking love is so bleak. I take my phone again this time to obscure my face from everyone around me. I feel naked, Like everyone can see through me, Like sadness is hanging on my face.

At this point, my mind is playing tricks on me, Suddenly there are profuse images of you, us… like day one Day four Day hundred and seventy-eight Day five hundred Day one thousand two hundred and sixty-nine and… Forever All flushing like a stream of once a fairytale. An evanescent love story. I blink twice or thrice to pull back my tears. I am so deep in my thoughts that the room is so tranquil until “Hey, don’t be so antisocial, you’ve been staring at your phone…” I loathe to put it away, Eventually, I do. I drink anything I can lay my eyes on. Drinking is conducive to dealing. One more drink. Another one and then the rest is history. I pick up my phone, go outside And this time I call you. I can tell that I sound or rather come across puerile, So I try to sound composed but my tongue gets personal. My thoughts become judgmental. At the back of my mind, I’m thinking ‘shit am I even making sense to this girl?’ After I hang up I feel like shit. “I shouldn’t have done that”

But I can’t ignore you damn it… I love you.

A little voice says How did I get here? How do I derogate the love I have for you like that? Am I desecrating this love? Am I that far lost in my mind that I am literally starting to lose my mind?

I am feeling guilty because my actions were so cowardly. This is me now trying to console myself… Forgive me, my love. Forgive me of my pride. Forgive me.

And then I say to myself if I was in your presence I was gonna say; All I wanted was the omnipotent kind of love. The kind that never breaks. Conquering love that expunges fear and doubts. The kind of love that seeks kindness and selflessness. The ‘I forgive you’ kind of love because we are not perfect. The ‘I trust you’ kind of love because I shared my scars with you. The ‘I miss you’ kind of love because in your presence I discover, learn and grow. The ‘hold me’ kind of love because your arms carry me with care and precise intentions. The ‘kiss me’ kind of love because you breathe my air, I breathe your air, at some point our breath synchronized #SharingIsCaring The ‘I’ll call you later’ kind of love because we travel to the future and back and time overhears conversations about our dreams and desires. The ‘marry me’ kind of love because forever is located in the duration of friendship, partnership and I’ll be right next to you helping you flourish. Because my Mother taught me about that kind of love. Gives me that kind of love. I was never taught to love in fragments and conditions. If I could I would put myself in a beautiful box, wrap it up, give it to you as a birthday gift. Because Love is Personal